Real Housewives of Maryland - Female Edition

I'm still trying to find words to describe the feeling I get when a friend "breaks up" with me.

Sometimes it's better not to question somebody's human behavior... When I moved to Maryland, I told myself I would make extra efforts in getting to know my neighbors. I quickly became friends with some of the ladies living in my neighborhood. We were all around the same age, and had established professions. I enjoy linking people together, before I can introduce them to my close circle of friends in the area, I thought it would be best to test out the waters.

The neighborhood group consisted of Lucille, Jennifer and myself. Lucille is a mother of 3, and works from home with her husband. Jennifer lives next door to me with her husband, and has no children. Although we all have different family dynamics, we all seemed to get along. The three of us ended up going on two "dates" together. The outings consisted of dinner and some beverages. A relationship started to develop, and we became friends.

Lucille suggested we take a trip to Baltimore to have dinner then enjoy a night out at the new casino. I thought this was a great opportunity to bridge my close circle of friends with my new neighborhood friends. I hadn't had a Ladies Night in a while. I decided to invite 10 of the ladies I knew in the area that would enjoy themselves.

Lucille wasn't having it. Lucille forgot to pass on the memo that she wanted something more "intimate" - yawn. I decided to acknowledge what she had expressed, and cut the number down to 4 of my closest friends.

The night had arrived, off we went to Baltimore. I had previously mentioned to everyone that we should all dress a little more sexy than our typical 9 to 5. Upon my arrival, I immediately noticed segregation between my close friends and Lucille plus her crew. One group looked like they had just come from a funeral, the other looked like they were ready to have a good time. No need to explain who belonged to which category.

Lucille wasn't having it. The entire night she didn't bother to acknowledge my friends. The waiter could have separated the table, and nobody would have noticed. The bill came, and Lucille made it known that she was paying for all the bereaved and pall-bearers. I felt a certain type of way.

Next stop was the casino. As soon as we got there it was the departing-of-the-seas. My close friends and I went and found this Mexican spot in the casino, we danced the night away. Lucille - no where to be found. All our phones had died, and we couldn't find Lucille and her group. We weren't quite sure what to do, so we left for a soca party.

The next day, once my phone was charged, I had texted Lucille, explaining our phone situation. Lucille wasn't having it. She responded with a very short message. A couple days later I was on Facebook, and I noticed Lucille and I were no longer friends. I couldn't remember "un-friending" her, it was very odd. I decided to reach out to her, and see what was going on; at the end of the day, I did consider her a friend. I asked her if everything was OK.

When someone begins to be short with you,
something is wrong.

At this point, I still didn't understand how we weren't friends on Facebook. I was receiving strange vibes from Lucille. I decided to question some more.

Opportunity to save this relationship

Have you ever been in a texting argument with a significant other, and it is taking them forever to respond. Lucille was taking her sweet time formulating her response. My vibes were correct.

Was she breaking up with me?

I had to re-read this several times, and even had my co-workers read it. I was confused. Was she breaking up with me? What had I done wrong? This is the first time in my life that a female has broken up with me, and the crazy part is -  I don't even know why.

All Aboard!

Have you ever been in a situation where you ask yourself... Is this real life? 

I was enjoying my usual Sunday Funday, roaming the streets of DC, when I somehow ended up in Georgetown. For those of you who know of my regularly frequented neighborhoods in the DMV, Georgetown is not one of them. Don’t get me wrong, its a lovely area, however lack of public transportation causes extremely difficult parking situations, and there is always an Google amount of tourist. 

For me to go to Georgetown, there always needs to a be a good reason. On this Sunday, the selling point was an invitation to a Yacht Party. The yacht felt like a club on water. The owner had hired a bouncer along with a cocktail waitress. When we got to the boat, we were asked to take off our shoes. Unfortunately, my stockings had a hole at the toe due to all the dancing at the soca party we had previously attended. I managed to dodge an embarrassing situation thanks to my lightning speed thinking by tying a knot at the bottom of the stocking and placing the knot beneath my toes, hiding and preventing the hole to expand - All Aboard! Let the party begin!  

I can officially say that I have witnessed real life Reality Television. The best way to describe the vibe on the boat was a mix of the Playboy Mansion and Real Housewives of Miami. The average age of the females on the boat was 22 years old, and the average age of the men was 56 years old. The party was a birthday celebration for a professional athlete from the area. For you to have a better visual of my experience, I thought I would create a list, along with a brief description, of the supporting cast. 

Renaldo - Birthday Boy
Tim - 55 owner of the yacht and really good friends with the birthday boy
Jessica, Katrina, Amanda, Betty, Monica, Lisa, Ashley, Denise, Keisha, Hillary - 19 to 21 years of age, diverse ethnicity, all attractive and very friendly females 
John - 58 and rich
Marie - 59 year old woman, outlier 
Wayne and Nickie - Couple out of Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, Nickie had long hair extensions that lead to her extremely large, surgically inflated bottom. Wayne looked like a mix of Sean Paul and Jim Jones
Ronald, Peter, Albert, John - Wealthy Caucasian men ranging from 50 to 75, looking for a good time

As soon as the boat left the pier, my friends and I felt completely out of place. We had entered reality TV without the cameras. For the first 10 minutes my friends and I only interacted with ourselves and the bartender. We didn't quite know how to approach this unfamiliar population. I decided to venture around the boat, a) because I had never been on a yacht before, and b) the social worker in me really wanted to find out the party goers stories. 

As the night progressed, we started to inter-mingle with the other guest. Weirdly, only the men wanted to talk to us, the lady guest didn't bother acknowledging our presence. All in all we were having a good time - good music, good food and good drinks, no complaints. Eventually, my friend and I decided to sit back and tune into the reality show we had been casted to. We were quick to realize that everyone knew their role. The scenario felt like a draft. The women would make their rounds flirting with every wealthy man (married and single). By the end of the night, everyone had made their picks, and most of the ladies had been drafted. The remainder of the ladies had signed as free-agents, for future endeavors. 

Marie, had been the only one to not sign, however she was the most successful female on the boat, and had a beautiful personality.

Conclusion -  It's disturbing to see that some men see women as an item from the grocery store - expiration date. These women will eventually age out of the system.


Needless to say, my friends and I opted out of the draft. 

United Nations

The average woman can relate to a time in their life where they may have gone on a date for a free meal. 

When I first arrived in DC, I was doing my final internship for my college degree. Student-Intern life usually places you in the category of lower income population. I was out on U St one evening and met this guy, Roger, who wanted to take me out on a date. Roger suggested going to the Cheesecake Factory. For those who have eaten at the Cheesecake Factory, you know that they are extremely generous with their portions. My first thought of the idea of Cheesecake Factory was "Leftovers for the rest of the week."

The evening of our date, Roger offered to pick me up. I wasn't too comfortable with that idea, so I gave him an address 3 blocks away from my apartment. Before we even got to the Cheesecake Factory I was already regretting this date. On our way there, Roger talked the entire time. He bragged about all his children. Roger was proud of the fact that all the mothers of his children were of different ethnicity. Prior to this car ride, Roger and I discussed my Canadian-Chadian background. I will forever be haunted by this next line said by Roger while he was speaking of all of children. "I haven't had a child with a Chadian yet." - followed by a wink and a smile. Nauseating.

Once we were seated at the restaurant, Roger started to discuss his weight loss. I have nothing against people working toward a healthier lifestyle, however don't brag about how healthy of an eater you and follow it by ordering triple-extra ranch dressing with your salad. When the waitress came to take our order, prior to me even making eye contact with her, Roger ordered his salad.

Gentleman etiquette 101

A gentleman always orders after his guests do.

A gentleman never orders salad as a main course. 

esquire.com

I then changed my mind and decided to order the entree with the largest portion - leftovers. The waitress came to take his empty plate and boxed the rest of my meal. She asked us if we wanted dessert. Roger, without asking me, immediately said "No, we good." 

At this point I was ready to walk, metro and/or hitchhike home. 

On the car ride home, Roger kept talking about how great he was, I can't really remember what he was saying, I had zoned out before getting into the car. When we got to my drop-off location, Roger had to the nerve to go in for the kiss. I hit him with a High-Five and called it a night.

Needless to say, until this day I have not returned any of his call. 

*****

3 years later

This past weekend I was at Society Lounge in Silver Spring. My friend and I were sitting at the bar, as we usual do. A man sitting 2 seats away from us got my attention and shouted "I would sure love some Cheesecake Factory" finished his drink, and walked away. 

He Didn't Believe in Divorce

Hour of Happiness: Social drinking activity that normally happens between the hours of 4pm and 8pm, where the price is right. 

Society Lounge is the one place in the DMV that will always guarantee an interesting time. I went with one of my coworkers on a Thursday evening, the crowd was great and the live band was even better. The usual bystander would stop by say hi and offer a drink - the night was going well. 

In the corner of my eye I could see this short little man slowly approaching me. He finally built up the courage to say hello. He offered me a drink, but I had to refuse (I had already drank a decent amount). He then told me he had a favor to ask, however he would come back and ask me later. 

About 20 minutes later the short little man came back and told me the following: 

"I will pay you to come to an event with me where my wife will be. I need to make her jealous."

My instant reaction was to laugh, this guy could not be serious. My second reaction was to ask "How much?". The man told me I could set my own price. 

I told him I would be right back and ran out to call my friend. I explained the situation to my friend, she advised me to ask for $1,000. 

Not taking this situation seriously, I walked back in and told him I would attend the event with him for $1,000 (I left out the minor detail that 2 of my friends would be tagging along). The short little man said the price was right and he had the money on him as were speaking. 

For the next 10 minutes he told me his life story. He explained to me that he had been married for over 15 years, and his wife had been having an affair with another man for the last 3. He went on saying how in his culture divorce was frowned upon (side note, welcome to America, divorce is a trending topic), and he didn't want to go that route. His friends told him in order to get his wife back he would have to make her jealous - that's where I would come in picture. 

I told the man I would think about it. We exchanged numbers and went our separate ways. I didn't think too much about it that night. 

The next morning I received this message . 

This little man was actually serious! The $1,000 would have been nice but I had to reject his offer for the follwing reason. 

1. It's his son's graduation 

2. It's at his home 

3. It's his son's graduation 

4. He had previously explained to me his wife had my built, I wouldn't want to fight an angry version of myself 

5. It's his son's graduation 

6. It's his son's graduation, at his home with potentially the presence of a crazy woman.

At the end of the day, I like to bring joy to people, and not destroy their lives.

Cable Guy Bob

Have you ever met someone in which you had zero interest, however it was necessary to entertain the situation for what ever reasons? 

Not too long ago, we moved to Silver Spring, just north of DC. My roommate and I decided to take a different route with cable and internet this time around. We were introduced to Cable Guy Bob. Bob is a middle-aged man with a strong Jamaican accent, and many stories.

Normally installation of cable and internet takes approximately 1 hour - Not with Cable Guy Bob. Without exaggeration, Cable Guy Bob was at our apartment for 3 hours. It might of been due to the fact that there was 5 young attractive ladies watching him install the cable. Cable Guy Bob was a funny guy, he had a story for everything. Every time we thought he was about to leave our apartment, he would sit right back down and tell us an additional story. 

Three hours later, my roommate finally escorted him outside. When my roommate got back to the apartment, she informed me that Cable Guy Bob wanted my number. My roommate and I gave each other "the look" - this is about to be a situation. I had no interest in Cable Guy Bob, however here are the reasons why I had to entertain the situation:

- If anything happened to our cable/internet, he is the one we needed to contact

- If I totally blow him off, he might never come to our rescue

I came up with a brilliant plan - I needed to make myself undesirable. This way I'm not the mean one. He apparently was already attracted to my looks, I had to make him un-attracted to my personality. 

Date Number One

Cable Guy Bob invited me to The Cheesecake Factory. I made sure to show up at least 20 minutes late. Everyone knows how much I loveeeee seafood; I made sure to order seafood appetizers, and obviously the most expensive seafood entrée. My tastebuds were in heaven. During our delicious date, I found out Cable Guy Bob was about 14 years older than me, and I was closer in age to his 2 children. Somehow, he thought that was cool. During the date I also tried to use the most sarcasm possible - sarcasm overload. That plan back-fired. He found me to be funny. Humor = attractiveness. 

I finished off the date by giving him a high 5 and made my way home. 

He called me later that night asking when we would hang out again.

Date Number One - Failed

Date Number Two

This time we tried a bar/lounge scene. We went to this lounge that had a live reggae band. Cable Guy Bob was having a great time, he was singing along to every song. This was my opportunity to strip that joy away from him. I first pretended that I had no clue what kind of music was playing. I then refused to dance every time he offered to teach me, instead I would ask him to buy me a drink. He still seemed entertained. I needed to step my game up.

Leaving the lounge, for some odd reason, we started to talking about maps. I decided I would talk about my love for geography. For the following 20 minutes I told Cable Guy Bob how much I loved studying maps, how I could spend an entire day going through an atlas. I spoke about how great I am with navigation, and how awesome I am with my sense of direction. I told him how I am basically a GPS. For the first time he seemed a bit turned off - finally.

Somehow the conversation switched to gay rights, always a touchy subject with no conclusion. This was going to be my winning goal. Using my social work assessment skills, I got a sense of his views/beliefs. I immediately created case that would oppose all of his views/beliefs. Let the debate begin - for those who know me, I never give up. Long story short, our conversation/debate got so heated he stormed off - #winning. 

Still to this day, I have not heard from him.

Date Number Two - Success 

I leave you with this: For those of us who have difficulty ending ties when dating around, refer to "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." Go ahead and irate him on your dates. Pretend to be the person you would hate to date. That way, nobody's feelings get hurt. 

Background Check

This date went from "Getting to Know Each Other" to "Social Work Assessment"

I met Jacob (name changed for security reasons) at a local gym. He was an attractive guy, fit, healthy, and was very passionate about giving back to his community. We exchanged numbers and set up a date.

The date started off well. Jacob brought be to Legal Seafood, how can I resist. The flow of our conversation was going very well, the usual; trying to get to know each other. The conversation took a 180 once he informed me that he had been incarcerated twice. The date immediately became a social work assessment. I kept calmed at asked Jacob if he would mind telling me how he ended up locked up. I found out the following:

When he was younger, Jacob had gotten into a premeditated bar fight. Apparently the bouncer at the bar had orchestrated the event. Long stories short, Jacob retaliates, which lead to the bouncer being in a coma. Jacob was arrested, and charged with attempted murder, no biggy. Luckily the bouncer woke up from his coma, and the charges were dropped.

I calmly enjoyed the rest of my delicious scallops, and proceeded to ask him what happened the second time he was incarcerated.

Jacob didn't want explain what happen the second time he was locked-up, he claimed that he didn't want to seem like he was bragging (red flag #9). We switched the topic, and finished up our meals. As we walked back to our cars, this is where the date became scary.

Besides finding out Jacob was a criminal, I had enjoyed the date; just for the simple fact that I had practiced all of my social work interviewing skills. We were parked a couple blocks away, it was a cool summer night, and as we were walking to our cars (thank goodness I drove myself) Jacob brought up a TV show that he used to watch all of the time. The show was live footage of the craziest ways people have died. Jacob went on about his favorite episodes that he had watched. I was pretty weirded out, so I asked him... "Is there a reason why you like this show so much? Are you trying to tell me something?" He stopped walking, turned and faced me with a blank stare and said...

I'm a murderer.

Still to this day, I don't know how I managed to stay calm. I responded by asking him if that was the reason he was incarcerated a second time. He responded "yes." I proceeded to ask him why he wasn't still locked up, his response; "self-defense." I nodded my head and remained calm. At this point, mentally I was in panic mode. He didn't want to provide me with any further information, I didn't force the issue. Somehow I managed to switch the subject, thanked him for dinner, and made my way home.

Needless to say, I have not been in contact with Jacob since that day, nor have I returned to that gym.
.

Sister Wives

This is one of those situation I should of caught onto from the start..

Let's call him George. 

George and I first met at a club, what's new? We exchanged numbers, nothing really evolved from there. The second time we hung out, we were with a bunch of mutual friends. 

Scenario:

We're all hanging out, getting ready to go out, some call it a pre-game. George shows up with a lady friend. It seemed pretty serious, they were kissing, cuddling.. Ultimate PDA.. Eh do you. 

He escorts his lady friend home, an hour later he shows up with lady friend number 2. George is now the entertainment of the night. He has officially taken center stage. 

We get to the club, lady number 2 is with us. Next thing you know, George's "actual" girlfriend is at the same club.. Trouble. Within 2hrs I saw lady friend number 1, 2, and girlfriend. George is now officially a boss. 

Weeks go by, we don't communicate. I have him in my books as "Boss George". He ends up breaking up with his girlfriend, or vice-versa. Somehow we reconnect, go on a "date" and somehow a little spark ignited. 

At the back of my mind, every red flag is raised. But hey, it's DC, let's have some fun with this. 

Long story short, weeks go by, and this relationship starts to evolve. It came to a tragic end on a warm summery night. 

Scenario:

It's the weekend, he invites me to this BBQ. I'm game. We link up, he has to take care of some business, so he tells me to go to this BBQ with his brother and he'll meet us there. I end up going with George's brother. Upon arrival, I know absolutely nobody there! Not a single soul #awkward. After a couple of drinks, I start making friends, females who all happen to know George. 

Time passes and George is still not at the BBQ. These new friends of mine start to warn me that George always does this; He invites females to parties and never shows up. 

I start getting upset. I'm in the middle of  nowhere Maryland, I live 40 mins away, my car is parked 20 mins away, and I'm in the boonies where no taxies can be seen. 

The cops end up coming to the BBQ, luckily my new friends, offer to drive me back to my car. Still no word from George. Mind you, 4 hrs have gone by since we last saw each other. I'm angry. 

I get a ride back to my car (I will forever be grateful for those ladies.) I make an executive decision to never talk to no-good-leaving-me-stranded-ass-George.  

Here's where it gets humorous, in the following weeks, I ended up encountering 3 girls that all claim they were "with" George. (Side Note: DC nightlife is way too small)

I felt like I was unofficially part of sister wives.. 

Lesson learned, always judge a person by the first impression you get from them.