Cable Guy Bob

Have you ever met someone in which you had zero interest, however it was necessary to entertain the situation for what ever reasons? 

Not too long ago, we moved to Silver Spring, just north of DC. My roommate and I decided to take a different route with cable and internet this time around. We were introduced to Cable Guy Bob. Bob is a middle-aged man with a strong Jamaican accent, and many stories.

Normally installation of cable and internet takes approximately 1 hour - Not with Cable Guy Bob. Without exaggeration, Cable Guy Bob was at our apartment for 3 hours. It might of been due to the fact that there was 5 young attractive ladies watching him install the cable. Cable Guy Bob was a funny guy, he had a story for everything. Every time we thought he was about to leave our apartment, he would sit right back down and tell us an additional story. 

Three hours later, my roommate finally escorted him outside. When my roommate got back to the apartment, she informed me that Cable Guy Bob wanted my number. My roommate and I gave each other "the look" - this is about to be a situation. I had no interest in Cable Guy Bob, however here are the reasons why I had to entertain the situation:

- If anything happened to our cable/internet, he is the one we needed to contact

- If I totally blow him off, he might never come to our rescue

I came up with a brilliant plan - I needed to make myself undesirable. This way I'm not the mean one. He apparently was already attracted to my looks, I had to make him un-attracted to my personality. 

Date Number One

Cable Guy Bob invited me to The Cheesecake Factory. I made sure to show up at least 20 minutes late. Everyone knows how much I loveeeee seafood; I made sure to order seafood appetizers, and obviously the most expensive seafood entrée. My tastebuds were in heaven. During our delicious date, I found out Cable Guy Bob was about 14 years older than me, and I was closer in age to his 2 children. Somehow, he thought that was cool. During the date I also tried to use the most sarcasm possible - sarcasm overload. That plan back-fired. He found me to be funny. Humor = attractiveness. 

I finished off the date by giving him a high 5 and made my way home. 

He called me later that night asking when we would hang out again.

Date Number One - Failed

Date Number Two

This time we tried a bar/lounge scene. We went to this lounge that had a live reggae band. Cable Guy Bob was having a great time, he was singing along to every song. This was my opportunity to strip that joy away from him. I first pretended that I had no clue what kind of music was playing. I then refused to dance every time he offered to teach me, instead I would ask him to buy me a drink. He still seemed entertained. I needed to step my game up.

Leaving the lounge, for some odd reason, we started to talking about maps. I decided I would talk about my love for geography. For the following 20 minutes I told Cable Guy Bob how much I loved studying maps, how I could spend an entire day going through an atlas. I spoke about how great I am with navigation, and how awesome I am with my sense of direction. I told him how I am basically a GPS. For the first time he seemed a bit turned off - finally.

Somehow the conversation switched to gay rights, always a touchy subject with no conclusion. This was going to be my winning goal. Using my social work assessment skills, I got a sense of his views/beliefs. I immediately created case that would oppose all of his views/beliefs. Let the debate begin - for those who know me, I never give up. Long story short, our conversation/debate got so heated he stormed off - #winning. 

Still to this day, I have not heard from him.

Date Number Two - Success 

I leave you with this: For those of us who have difficulty ending ties when dating around, refer to "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." Go ahead and irate him on your dates. Pretend to be the person you would hate to date. That way, nobody's feelings get hurt. 

Background Check

This date went from "Getting to Know Each Other" to "Social Work Assessment"

I met Jacob (name changed for security reasons) at a local gym. He was an attractive guy, fit, healthy, and was very passionate about giving back to his community. We exchanged numbers and set up a date.

The date started off well. Jacob brought be to Legal Seafood, how can I resist. The flow of our conversation was going very well, the usual; trying to get to know each other. The conversation took a 180 once he informed me that he had been incarcerated twice. The date immediately became a social work assessment. I kept calmed at asked Jacob if he would mind telling me how he ended up locked up. I found out the following:

When he was younger, Jacob had gotten into a premeditated bar fight. Apparently the bouncer at the bar had orchestrated the event. Long stories short, Jacob retaliates, which lead to the bouncer being in a coma. Jacob was arrested, and charged with attempted murder, no biggy. Luckily the bouncer woke up from his coma, and the charges were dropped.

I calmly enjoyed the rest of my delicious scallops, and proceeded to ask him what happened the second time he was incarcerated.

Jacob didn't want explain what happen the second time he was locked-up, he claimed that he didn't want to seem like he was bragging (red flag #9). We switched the topic, and finished up our meals. As we walked back to our cars, this is where the date became scary.

Besides finding out Jacob was a criminal, I had enjoyed the date; just for the simple fact that I had practiced all of my social work interviewing skills. We were parked a couple blocks away, it was a cool summer night, and as we were walking to our cars (thank goodness I drove myself) Jacob brought up a TV show that he used to watch all of the time. The show was live footage of the craziest ways people have died. Jacob went on about his favorite episodes that he had watched. I was pretty weirded out, so I asked him... "Is there a reason why you like this show so much? Are you trying to tell me something?" He stopped walking, turned and faced me with a blank stare and said...

I'm a murderer.

Still to this day, I don't know how I managed to stay calm. I responded by asking him if that was the reason he was incarcerated a second time. He responded "yes." I proceeded to ask him why he wasn't still locked up, his response; "self-defense." I nodded my head and remained calm. At this point, mentally I was in panic mode. He didn't want to provide me with any further information, I didn't force the issue. Somehow I managed to switch the subject, thanked him for dinner, and made my way home.

Needless to say, I have not been in contact with Jacob since that day, nor have I returned to that gym.
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Sister Wives

This is one of those situation I should of caught onto from the start..

Let's call him George. 

George and I first met at a club, what's new? We exchanged numbers, nothing really evolved from there. The second time we hung out, we were with a bunch of mutual friends. 

Scenario:

We're all hanging out, getting ready to go out, some call it a pre-game. George shows up with a lady friend. It seemed pretty serious, they were kissing, cuddling.. Ultimate PDA.. Eh do you. 

He escorts his lady friend home, an hour later he shows up with lady friend number 2. George is now the entertainment of the night. He has officially taken center stage. 

We get to the club, lady number 2 is with us. Next thing you know, George's "actual" girlfriend is at the same club.. Trouble. Within 2hrs I saw lady friend number 1, 2, and girlfriend. George is now officially a boss. 

Weeks go by, we don't communicate. I have him in my books as "Boss George". He ends up breaking up with his girlfriend, or vice-versa. Somehow we reconnect, go on a "date" and somehow a little spark ignited. 

At the back of my mind, every red flag is raised. But hey, it's DC, let's have some fun with this. 

Long story short, weeks go by, and this relationship starts to evolve. It came to a tragic end on a warm summery night. 

Scenario:

It's the weekend, he invites me to this BBQ. I'm game. We link up, he has to take care of some business, so he tells me to go to this BBQ with his brother and he'll meet us there. I end up going with George's brother. Upon arrival, I know absolutely nobody there! Not a single soul #awkward. After a couple of drinks, I start making friends, females who all happen to know George. 

Time passes and George is still not at the BBQ. These new friends of mine start to warn me that George always does this; He invites females to parties and never shows up. 

I start getting upset. I'm in the middle of  nowhere Maryland, I live 40 mins away, my car is parked 20 mins away, and I'm in the boonies where no taxies can be seen. 

The cops end up coming to the BBQ, luckily my new friends, offer to drive me back to my car. Still no word from George. Mind you, 4 hrs have gone by since we last saw each other. I'm angry. 

I get a ride back to my car (I will forever be grateful for those ladies.) I make an executive decision to never talk to no-good-leaving-me-stranded-ass-George.  

Here's where it gets humorous, in the following weeks, I ended up encountering 3 girls that all claim they were "with" George. (Side Note: DC nightlife is way too small)

I felt like I was unofficially part of sister wives.. 

Lesson learned, always judge a person by the first impression you get from them.